Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So many bounce houses so little time
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
