There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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