So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
