I cannot find my penis.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
