guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
