I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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