Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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