on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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