I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
