Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My penis needs a shock collar
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
