I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize