So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
