We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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