my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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