Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
