my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
either way he was missing a nipple.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
