Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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