I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
