as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
