Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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