Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
