Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
