My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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