Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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