I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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