I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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