you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
