bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
