her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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