Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
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