I wanna passion pit in your ass
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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