"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
