Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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