How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
