Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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