he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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