dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
