Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize