3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
