CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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