Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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