he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
