you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
