The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
