I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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