Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I intend to get homeless drunk
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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