I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
