I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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