Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
