my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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