I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The uberlube is also flammable
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
