Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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