Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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