I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
