I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
