sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
3pm strippers are depressing
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
