his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
