Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
