dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
