YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
