We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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